healthy relationships

By Mary Polce-Lynch, Ph.D., March 2011

Healthy relationships with others begin with a healthy relationship with yourself.

Do you have a kind and nurturing relationship with yourself or is it critical and perfectionistic? Does your inner voice say “congratulations” when you’ve done your best or does it only point out your mistakes? An important way to develop a healthy relationship with yourself is to practice good self-care. One self-care tool from Dialectical-Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is self-soothing, which can help to improve distress tolerance and can involve any number of activities that are comforting and reassuring. Examples include practicing positive self-talk or engaging your five senses by listening to a favorite song, taking a bubble bath, talking to a friend, exercising or making a pot of healthy soup and savoring the smell as it cooks. Setting limits is another way to self-soothe. We often underestimate how comforting and empowering it can be to say “no” to another volunteer project or responsibility when we are already overwhelmed. Generally speaking, when we take care of ourselves, we are better able to maintain healthy relationships with others.

“Sweetheart” relationships

While experts are not always in agreement, there is consensus about this: all romantic relationships require time and attention. The term ‘date night’ no longer applies just to singles. Parents must also kindle their relationship by setting aside time to be with each other. This can include movies and dinners, but can also be as simple and inexpensive as each person asking the other, “How are you?” or “How was your day?” over a cup of tea - and then listening. In addition to sexual intimacy, which is important in healthy relationships, other ways to stay connected can involve spending time together in nature or sharing a hobby. It does not matter the activity you do or the length of time you do it for, just be sure to do it together!

Family relationships

A recent UCLA study examined “secrets” to happy and low-stress families by observing 32 families in their homes. Couples who reported happiness while managing the demands of work and family practiced these behaviors on a regular basis:

  • Find small moments of togetherness. It is these moments that can infuse your life with value and they are just as important as the perfect family vacation. Folding laundry, watching a show or playing a video game together all count as “quality time.”
  • Take at least 5-10 minutes of “me time” each day. Women who take care of themselves this way significantly contribute to lowering family stress.
  • Approach chores with a “we” mentality as opposed to a scorecard mentality. This allows family members to see their efforts as part of a team and can help reduce some of the resentment that may accompany chores.
  • Treat your partner or spouse with respect. This is not only good for your relationship, but also it models healthy relationships for your children.
  • Embrace daily rituals and routines as special time. Sharing a cup of coffee in the morning, eating a meal together, reading bedtime stories or dropping off and picking up at daycare or school all have the ability to count as life’s special moments if we choose to look at them this way.

 

Creating and maintaining healthy relationships involves taking care of ourselves, nurturing relationships with our partners through time and attention and being creative about how we define quality time with our families.